I Really Have No Idea What I’m Doing & I Need The World To Accept That

I did this about three times while typing this out because I ran out of snacks.

Look here: I am a 37-year old Black man who is hanging on in this life by the skin of his teeth. Every single day my eyes open, there’s a moment where “wow, this shit again huh?” is said in my head, and then I get up for the daily grind. With each passing moment however, I am getting better at expressing that I have not the faintest clue on how any of this adulting works, what my life requires of me or why I should care. So honestly, I need everyone else to understand this and chill the fuck out.

I work a job I can’t stand, that gives me a paycheck I can barely support myself on, in order to pay for insurance that I’ve needed to keep me alive for the past 13 years. I write as a means of expression and while it is a career I want to invest in, the day to day operations make it feel impossible to chase a passion. I look for jobs all the time, yet each job description looks like gibberish after a while, so I tune out. Bills have piled up beyond measure and then I’m forced to ask myself HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS??? Yet somehow, I just have to.

To be an adult who chooses not to date sounds like I’m admitting to being a serial killer for many people. Then expressing no desire in children or marriage now makes me guilty of war crimes against humanity. No decision I make for myself to ease the burden of society’s expectations seems to be part of the plan other people want to paint for me (which is weird since this is MY LIFE). It is mind boggling.

So I have to deal with racism, a pandemic, jobs that pimp me out, no money, struggling to take care of family let alone myself, lacking motivation, watching time slip between my fingers daily, other people’s bullshit that won’t leave me in peace AND the frustrating sensation of not fulfilling adult obligations in a society that demands everything from me but offers me nothing but stress in return?

FUCK. THAT.

I’m writing this not as a means to complain. I’m expressing my deepest and saddest feelings about where I stand in life because thousands of people out there in the world feel the exact same way I do. We are looking for direction, purpose and acceptance in a world that is not very accommodating to people who don’t have things planned out already, be it through their own hands or others. Sharing sentiments like this is how we understand how closely connected we are, despite the obvious notion that it doesn’t feel this way.

I am scared every single day I wake up that I am just failing over and over again. I beat myself up without mercy or couth over the most minute things because of assumptions and expectations. I stress myself out over future events based on prior events that created present triggers. I look around my home, my city and my country; then look to the skies knowing something out there has much more of place where it belongs than I do.

Then I take a deep sigh and tell myself to shut the fuck up. I give myself a hug and then repeat the mantra “be kind to yourself” until I let all of this anxiety go. From there, I get up and go do what I need to do. Every. Single. Day.

We do not need to have the answers to every question bouncing around in our heads but we do need to answer one question every moment we have the opportunity to: do I accept what I can’t control? As long as the answer is yes, life will introduce countless opportunities beyond what your imagination can handle.

But when we keep saying NO instead, all it leaves us with is a reminder that we are fighting a pointless fight due to our pride. Trying to achieve an outcome that will never change no matter how many times we repeat the process. You know this as the definition of insanity.

I’m ok with not being ok, because not being ok means I’m alive. But what I cannot accept is not living life on my terms. I do not know what I’m doing because no one else is living my life but me.

There is no guidebook for what I’m experiencing but there are a plethora of information from humans far and wide, historically and present, that have found themselves in this same position. Somehow they found a way and decided to write their findings down because they knew someone out there could use the information when it counted the most. This is my attempt to do the same.

Again, I have NO IDEA what I’m doing in this moment or the next. You may not either. However, whatever we do counts for something and nothing anyone else says can refute that fact. You’re allowed to be afraid, upset and tired by how life is treating you right now. What you can’t do though, is lose yourself in the process. Keep going. There is somewhere you belong. There is someone who needs to hear your voice. There is a space where only you can be helpful.

Let’s go make that happen.